Lost

Did it again, feeling lost in my own decision.
Was it a decision?
What just happened?
Trying against trying so hard to get it right.
Maybe tomorrow, or tonight?

Simple, stagnate star.
Thought I was moving but the world was moving around me.
Don't know what I could be.
Wanting to dream again.
Mature dreaming with realistic happy outcomes.
Sane dreams, what does sane mean?

Age and time just carry more questions,
less answers.
No big surprise, look into my eyes.
They have seen stupidity for years.
Listened with broken ears.
Hearing the same record, crying the same tears.

But hope lie in wait.
Always slowly sliding along side.
Like a lazy shadow with too much pride.
Here comes "hope" let's play.
Or pray.

Never done, thinking of new angles,
within an old picture.
Tear it all to pieces / put it together again.
Will it not look the same?
Same story, different name.
Lost, and doing it all over again.

Hope

I vow to stop pushing it down
have hope
Why not me?
All dreams coming true
It does not cost me or you
It is not selfish
It is not enough to wish
I will have hope, hold it close
dream as though its been received
Live in what that might feel like
what it does feel like
Swelling heart and unbelieving eyes
I tried
But hope fades, day by day
and I know it will continue to
if I am lost in my dismay
Just stay
Hope
Stay
My grateful self will relish you
I will know for some part of it all,
it was worth it
Because I never lost Hope
I never gave up on you
Don't give up on me
I am right here, see??
Believing
Do you believe in me?

Again.

Walking in the dark, holding my own hand, forgetting what has heightened my fear.
Worried because I know I was worried about something but what, what?
My skin crawls like a million hungry insects. I can feel every follicle flex.
My anxiety takes over as my rational mind fades slowly to the back.
I'm talking to myself over and over.
Retracing my last internal conversation like walking backwards in a maze.
Maybe this is insanity.
Maybe it's depression.
Maybe it's a lack of sleep followed closely by regression.
Whatever it is, I have no control. Shutting down.
Slipping slowly into a corner.
For there is nothing but safety in a solid place where I can get really small.
Find my facilities and take comfort in the permanence of a wall.
Random irrational rhyming...out of my control.
Another bid to make things fit. I can't help it.
Its like a sickness,
and you are witness, excuse me Miss; but there is something amiss.
I like to blame it on the rain that beats my roof, makes me question my sanity while draining me.
A white-less winter, a colour-less world, a black and white nightmare, and a tiny scared girl.
All less romantic than I had planned. All a little too much to stand. But then again I do it again and again.