Now, but not right now.

 You gave and gave and gave, but never gave a shit. I gave up all my dreams and now I am not sure where I fit. Again, I quit. I told you, I sold it to you for the almighty dollar. One more debt and we're out of squaller."U live now" well as soon as that is gone. Now but in the future and only if there is nothing wrong. Now, but not right now. When your old, when new stories can't be told. When no one cares because you're bold...but ugly. You're cute and fucking funny. You're ironic but irrelevant but you got money. Now, then you can live when you're done Honey. 

Inactivity, Darkness

Solid darkness, been here for days, maybe months.
My mind plays with me.
Wanting to be in active pursuit but waiting for the light.
It's darker today. A little darker everyday.
I am inactive.

I have unmeasurable offerings.
I see, even in the dark.
I give. Then I doubt my intention.
It feels good but it's not enough.
I find myself waiting in the dark for reciprocation.

Is it a curse? What have I done?
How many times must I attempt to learn the lesson.
I swear I am worth it.
Others are. I can tell. But so am I.
Can you tell?

When did the light go out?
was it ever on? Can you tell me...am I getting warmer.
Last year I decided to walk straight in the dark forever.
Somehow I am still in the same spot.
My mind plays with me.
Inactivity, Darkness.

A Fwd/Bwd love letter about money

Many days and several ways you are on my mind

How to get to you, how to keep you close

I try to hold on

But you always disappear

Behind the everyday things

I feel your presence but you are lost

I swear you were just here

When our paths align again

I promise this encounter will end in my favour

Alas maybe not

You win,

Heavy in my hand and then nothing

I like to gather you

Or more so your losses

Stacking memories of you upon one another

Until there are too many too count

Were you ever here?

As time passes your importance does not diminish

You do in fact become more desirable

And more elusive

Even when you’re around long enough to provide

Security and hope

It is a fool’s game

Damned necessity

Crooked dependability

You are dollars and bills

Chains meant to distract, seduce and imprison

Invented by those you serve

Well done.

-------------------

Well done.

Invented by those you serve

Chains meant to distract, seduce and imprison

You are dollars and bills

Crooked dependability

Damned necessity

It is a fool’s game

Security and hope

Even when you’re around long enough to provide

And more elusive

You do in fact become more desirable

As time passes your importance does not diminish

Were you ever here?

Until there are too many too count

Stacking memories of you upon one another

Or more so your losses

I like to gather you

Heavy in my hand and then nothing

You win,

Alas maybe not

I promise this encounter will end in my favour

When our paths align again

I swear you were just here

I feel your presence but you are lost

Behind the everyday things

But you always disappear

I try to hold on.

How to get to you, how to keep you close

Many days and several ways you are on my mind

To accomplish

I'm stuck on repeat. Full of future stories of success. Full of a lot of things.
Still lost, an old broken doll. a key to nothing, nowhere.
The only thing changing is the amount of time I have left.
To accomplish.
Tomorrow. I hate you.
I have ignored today, everyday.
I fear simple joy because the world seems to be constantly reaching for equilibrium.
Would happiness be punished with sadness?
success with failure?
love with hate?
Is this perspective truly the only thing holding me back?
I try to try. I like to think I do. I like to think that you think I do.
Do you?
No one knows my heart or soul. I do not even bare it to myself.
I pit them against one another, waiting to see who wins.
I always lose.
But every other game I win. At least I think so, or want you to think so.
Wholeness marred consistently by this wanting inner anxiety to create.
Create something important but unknown.
Torturous desire to find IT.
Smart, if you knew how many people I had to fight with, in my mind, to survive.
To accomplish.
Anything.

Sing it.

Woke up spraying, hatin life, praying.

There’s gotta be someone out there who hears what I am saying.

Ate some shit, hate some shit, forget it.

Gonna go about my day just faking it.

Walking through the same routine, unseen,

I’m muddy as hell and feeling unclean.

I don’t know anymore, I can’t grow anymore

and if you ask me, shits’ the same as it was before.

Gotta little pocket with a little bit of cash,

Gotta a little bigger shadow to cast.

Bigger, bigger dreams…. smaller, smaller means.

Just passing the days in between being seen and unseen.

There is no answer, you tried to cage a dancer

And if you hear me singing don’t confuse it with joy

It’s just the girl that I was before I met the boy

Lost

Did it again, feeling lost in my own decision.
Was it a decision?
What just happened?
Trying against trying so hard to get it right.
Maybe tomorrow, or tonight?

Simple, stagnate star.
Thought I was moving but the world was moving around me.
Don't know what I could be.
Wanting to dream again.
Mature dreaming with realistic happy outcomes.
Sane dreams, what does sane mean?

Age and time just carry more questions,
less answers.
No big surprise, look into my eyes.
They have seen stupidity for years.
Listened with broken ears.
Hearing the same record, crying the same tears.

But hope lie in wait.
Always slowly sliding along side.
Like a lazy shadow with too much pride.
Here comes "hope" let's play.
Or pray.

Never done, thinking of new angles,
within an old picture.
Tear it all to pieces / put it together again.
Will it not look the same?
Same story, different name.
Lost, and doing it all over again.

Hope

I vow to stop pushing it down
have hope
Why not me?
All dreams coming true
It does not cost me or you
It is not selfish
It is not enough to wish
I will have hope, hold it close
dream as though its been received
Live in what that might feel like
what it does feel like
Swelling heart and unbelieving eyes
I tried
But hope fades, day by day
and I know it will continue to
if I am lost in my dismay
Just stay
Hope
Stay
My grateful self will relish you
I will know for some part of it all,
it was worth it
Because I never lost Hope
I never gave up on you
Don't give up on me
I am right here, see??
Believing
Do you believe in me?