Swimming upstream

Drop me down in paradise,
pair of jacks and loaded dice.
Lucky me to have this place,
young spirit and aging face.

Aware I have lived
a life before.
Haunting me
and wanting more.

Misplaced soul
constantly tauting me.
Shadowing my life
trying to break free.

Unrecognizable room
from another year.
Unfamilar face in
an stoic mirror.

Lifting, Loafting
Children's song.
Familar and
it pulls me along.

All rivers lead to oceans
and so does my dream.
I'm fighting the flow
and swimming upstream.

Not perfect but "lucky"

A constant polish of redundant routine.

Scrubbing the scabs until they are clean.

Mechanical motions of life mundane.

Déjà vu, no thank you, it all sounds the same.

Unavoidable duty pushes my plight.

It follows me on inescapable flights.

Under palm trees and thatched huts.

Nursing dependants and avoiding ruts.

Its not all bad but it is all the same.

Laughable moments left heavy with pain.

Unquestionable questions from embryonic beaks.

Filling with air and plugging the leaks.

Disconnected and interjected.

Try and try to be rejected.

Flecks of sparkle in the air.

Had you forgotten there were stars out there?

Lost in this strange unlivable life.

Cutting mediocrity with a borrowed knife.

Homeless home and helpless state.

Sugar in the raw with soggy cornflakes.

I know it all, for myself that’s true.

Now how do I get through me to you.

And you and you and her and him too.

I can cut all the cords but two.

Defied by doubt and homesteads song.

Searching for safety but lost for so long.

Lucky to have all I have but the truth?

I'm chasing fairies and the comforts of youth.

Big thoughts tortured by reality.

Imagined life of uncertainty.

Then a childs song reminds the heart.

To do what you're doing and play the part.

Attacked in my mind and doubting myself. 

Pick carefully your trust from the dusty shelf. 

If it's so and I am, then fuck em all. 

When were they here? I don't recall. 

About life.

Completely unprepared

and unquestionably unaware.

And there you were.

Just a speck in a blur.

A story with no break.

Built of decisions I make.

Many chapters on the shore

with outcomes rich and poor.

There are holes in the ozone and here in my mind.

There is space to move forward but not to rewind.

Structured time

Misinterpreted place.

Broken pathways

Unbeautiful face.

So callous and compact the alliances composed.

Allowing the twisted to twist and expose.

Digging and reinterpreting what it’s all about

How dare you invite me into your doubt.

Its good to release and hold on and let go.

Its hard to question yourself, forgive and forgo.

I know nothing for sure except they all judge

but I’m better, and bigger and hold no grudge.

Written word.

Perfect twisted gilded me,

Looking down at myself from a precious tree.

It’s unreliable roots and choking shoots,

Form my “too good for me” boots.

Looking for a high,

Plotting my demise…over chocolate chai.

Once building myself up by tearing me down.

A falsetto song and a hand made crown.

What I lack for in talent I make up for in blame.

Won’t you still play my game?

Floating back to reality,

Over the whole pity party.

Ferocious hug,

From a little bug.

Not desperate,

But deliberate.

Pandering, Pondering, Wandering through.

Thankful I am me and not me according to you.

Strong warm hands got my back,

Picking up me and all my slack.

Sinful, useful stories fade.

Swept up dead flowers from the passing parade.

So glad to know from absolutely absurd.

My outlet release in written word.

Looking a grown up bit absurd.

Testing Blue…Grey…Grey. Another miserable day.

Broken dirty nails continuously crawling away

but can’t keep the darkness at bay.

Conscious conversations over tea

just me and me.

Can’t shake it or wake it or myself.

Another day on the shelf.

Don’t remember letting you in.

Wasted time and crooked skin.

Can’t breathe or feel,

like watching a movie reel.

Played out and spinning,

through the looking glass I’m “winning”.

Looking for the magic words,

looking a grown up bit absurd.

Knowing it will past

wishing it were fast.

Not looking to drag this extra shadow around town.

I stand up it sits down.

If I were not so strong you may have a chance

but I’ll get clean, I’ll forget and dance.

Just need to shake this trance…

Losing moments and building bad memories

Patience..patience..yes and please.

Peeling off this heavy cape,

Working to turn and twist the fate.

Clean it all away,

Tomorrow, thank goodness, is another day.

Weight

Feeling forced. Trying so hard to portray endless light and happiness for you and me too. But I am cynical and apparently offensive. Strong of heart but sarcastic as all hell I find humor a comforting protective shell. I would be horrified to know if I hurt someone in my ignorant play and sometimes I worry I do it everyday. But I thought you knew and I thought I knew too. Many a victim befall my thoughtless wreckage of slight. Maybe I am not as funny or bright? No, but I know I am, all victims line up at the traffic jam. Always looking for someone to blame. Have you no shame. I have been wounded by daggers tounge, you really want to come and get some? I fought to ignore that I was pushed out the door unless ofcouse there was something for someone else to score. And like that a lifted weight. Wheu..that was heavy freight. But for this year I'm gonna write it, and move on to the next hit... cuz if it don't need you..you don't need it.

Thinkin it is time.

I don't need help. I don't need anything. That is with the exception of extreme silence. Swept up into the machine, feels unclean. Not natural but material. Running on the wheel. So fake I cant take it. I hate it. I want to break it, no...break free from it. 


It's voluntary participation you know, mine and yours to let go. But it doesn't feel like so. I am short on air and can't grow. And short on sun bro. I don't want to point fingers but the blame lingers on you -> land. This sand in my hand is ironic and bland. Tastes like confusion, an optical illusion...that weighs a ton. We got a problem Houston. 


Up and down my mind rows through emotions and nothing and the baggage it tows. I never danced with the devil and I should hope I never will but this sometimes feels like a bitter pill. 


I dream of wholeness and it looks the same but its sand taste better and it has a different name. A million people succeeding and I am "wow". Not jealous of their triumph but confused some how. Their commitment, passion and dedication seem so easy, natural and god forbid fun. I build walls and blocks to keep them all out and to keep myself safe from myself and the doubt. I will figure it out but I don't know when, it wont happen for me if I do nothing.