Again.

Walking in the dark, holding my own hand, forgetting what has heightened my fear.
Worried because I know I was worried about something but what, what?
My skin crawls like a million hungry insects. I can feel every follicle flex.
My anxiety takes over as my rational mind fades slowly to the back.
I'm talking to myself over and over.
Retracing my last internal conversation like walking backwards in a maze.
Maybe this is insanity.
Maybe it's depression.
Maybe it's a lack of sleep followed closely by regression.
Whatever it is, I have no control. Shutting down.
Slipping slowly into a corner.
For there is nothing but safety in a solid place where I can get really small.
Find my facilities and take comfort in the permanence of a wall.
Random irrational rhyming...out of my control.
Another bid to make things fit. I can't help it.
Its like a sickness,
and you are witness, excuse me Miss; but there is something amiss.
I like to blame it on the rain that beats my roof, makes me question my sanity while draining me.
A white-less winter, a colour-less world, a black and white nightmare, and a tiny scared girl.
All less romantic than I had planned. All a little too much to stand. But then again I do it again and again.

Love letter to my heart.

My thoughtlessness towards you haunts me.
You gave me everything and moved me forward.
Even when I knew nothing about where we were going.
I am now so grateful for all the pressure you held,
for all the times you pushed me through the darkness and filled my chest with joy.

Maybe you are tired, you are definitely wounded
and apparently always have been.
Yet I forced you forward with carelessness.
You prevailed with grace.

Tomorrow I will ask you for another hard day.
You must be the bravest you have ever been.
I ask you this as one last favour.
And I promise to, forever after, be careful and conscious of you.

I promise to cherish you, feed you, and take care of you.
I will not take you for granted.
I will work with you to keep you light and fast.
Clean and strong.

Please be strong, thank you for everything.

Always - a fool hearted game.

Always walking along the precipice. Torn open between the soaring wind and warm gravity. Trying to fly with all that weight. Searching, forever searching. Building destinations of freedom out of dreams that may not be mine. Yet so sure that salvation is one obstruction away. Dangling in the distance like a beautiful mirage, there lies the promise of home. To which all my hope and focus lay claim. Lost in a maze of my own making, playing a foolhearted game.

Inactive participant

At first I believed I was there. Was an active part of it.
But broken down after breaking down too many times.
I see now, clearly
I am invisible

Mocking nods and chastised whispers
An unscripted lesson on repeat, forever
Washing my brain till it weathered and withered

Few moments of silence are offered
For those times would promote reflection
and offer dangerous opportunities for personal thought
who am I?

In the big picture it is not like it matters
But even in my picture
I am small and getting smaller fast
Pain and palpitations and parenthood

I've been busy which made me light
and although I have proven that I exist to others
I have not done so for myself

It is sad to disappear in your world
and scary to dissipate in your mirror
but safe to despair and deliberate

To move with intent now
seems selfish
I don't need you to know me
I was always there for you
But I was never here for you
I thought if you saw me I might exist

Alas, I am invisible
Even to myself
I know that now
Because somewhere along the way
I forgot to find all my pieces and put them together
No more.

Universe

Fun, funny little people
imagined stress
Combining lives
into a unit

Unity, united little people
honest hope
Clasping hands
into the universe

Deep, light little people
heart-filled
Unknowing power
into one another and everything else

Soon I will stand up.

Crippled lonely mind. Questioning the times.
Why is everyone quickly blindly walking to nowhere.
A mass movement of thoughtlessness.

They do not know where they go.
Forward towards predictability.
How do you feel safe there?

When did it get so complicated.
Walking backwards with my shoes nailed to the floor.
Time? So absolutely terrifying.

The one successful man in the crowd, pulling those strings and making the world dance.
Dig it up, fill it in, cover it over, dress it up, and sell it again.
Oh, and I am the cynic.
Meant to feel guilty for exercising my right to wonder if you have my best interest at heart.

I don't trust you.
You know it.
You will bury me in my own naivety.

I might know nothing, or maybe just enough to want to learn more.
Shame my curiosity but it's bubbling.
I am not alone, although you would love for me to think that.

I can not forgive, I will not forget.
And soon I will stand up.
You will have no choice but to hear me.

If you cover your ears,
You will have no choice but to see me.
And when you close your eyes,
you will feel me, us,

and our love for this place.

Home

Standing at the edge of the world
Lulled by the massive movement sprawled before me.
My thoughts empty
and I am at a loss

Every insecurity falls at my feet
and washes away
I am so small
I am home

Does not everyone feel so blessed here?
or is it my wholeness
for once
that gifts me alone in this moment?

How did I get so far from this place?
When did I find my way back?
Irrelevant.
I am home

The breaks pound my past sorrow
like ancestral applause.
Waves embrace my feet
Shore holds me firm
I am home

I thought I was missing a piece
I came here to see
But alas I was the missing piece
and now
I am home

I am home in every way
when I close my eyes every day
Reality is this dream I live
as time rolls away
...home

If I don't really make it there
I can rest now for my spirit knows
where to go
when my heart begins to slow
go home