Are you lost?

I'm always fighting a pull or pushing a limit. Disconnected mostly and full of fear sometimes. I'm always wasting my energy on thought and regret. Thinking, rethinking and trying not to think. Writing lists and clipping wishes. Like reminders of normality or what I think I want to be. It's never ending. A genetic defect I assume. Because heaven knows I won't take credit for it...or anything. I would love nothing more than to roll with it but I know I don't have the wherewithal to take it any place real. And my real place holds me here regardless. This is a perfect excuse to do nothing about it or blame you for letting me do nothing. I keep fighting it and I force being normal but I want to be part of the bigger thing. I want that to be my thing. I want too much I suppose. Or maybe I'm just partly shackled still. And the guilt of my non-participation is wearing me. But I have seen less do more with less and more, if you know what I mean. Reading back on my thoughts I conclude I think a lot. I think about doing and complain like a spoiled child and then I do nothing and complain some more. Are you lost? Because to me you look somewhat put together. I don't believe that no one understands me. I know for a fact that I actually have very little to complain about. But I have seen the pattern play out generations before me and I don't want a part in it. Hell, I've seen runners run with no legs. It is my goal to break the cycle I am. I am always fighting a pull or pushing a limit. But not in a good way. I've been swimming against the current of possibility, watching others ride it downstream. I'm jaded. Underestimating myself. At what point do I figure it out. 
Well not today, today is not that day. What if this is life. That would be something...