To accomplish

I'm stuck on repeat. Full of future stories of success. Full of a lot of things.
Still lost, an old broken doll. a key to nothing, nowhere.
The only thing changing is the amount of time I have left.
To accomplish.
Tomorrow. I hate you.
I have ignored today, everyday.
I fear simple joy because the world seems to be constantly reaching for equilibrium.
Would happiness be punished with sadness?
success with failure?
love with hate?
Is this perspective truly the only thing holding me back?
I try to try. I like to think I do. I like to think that you think I do.
Do you?
No one knows my heart or soul. I do not even bare it to myself.
I pit them against one another, waiting to see who wins.
I always lose.
But every other game I win. At least I think so, or want you to think so.
Wholeness marred consistently by this wanting inner anxiety to create.
Create something important but unknown.
Torturous desire to find IT.
Smart, if you knew how many people I had to fight with, in my mind, to survive.
To accomplish.
Anything.