If I am being honest, I have to pee. I think I have had to pee for the past 2 hours. I am too angry to remember. I am not sure, but I am sure of one thing. As the summer slows to an end, the school year begins and my husband returns to his work schedule, I am not ready for this. My children seem to have morphed into spoiled rotten undisciplined brats. I am waiting for someone to tell me that this is normal for a summer break but I remember this beginning before the summer. Come to think of it I believe it has been over a year now. Could I be one of those parents with those children and I have just been blind. Is it too late to raise a well-rounded person at this point?
I am not daft. I am well aware that much of this anxiety stems from not having a break from the children in over a year. It may be that they are fine and I am just at a loss for patience. But I am pretty sure that they are not doing what I think they should be doing most of the time. I would have been disciplined for sure a hundred times over in the last hour for less than what I have just witnessed. Where is the disconnect? What am I doing wrong?
Grandparents often mumble random anecdotes like “I just gave you colors and paper” or “I would have just smacked you on the butt”. It’s a different world now. Kids don’t play in the streets anymore. You cannot trust your neighbor. The kids are over stimulated. And we certainly overcompensate them for our “colors and paper”. Something I am doing is failing. We struggle to get by only to continue to struggle to get by. I instinctively look to myself to blame for whatever choices brought me to this crossroads.
Seriously, my kid walked into my room today and punched me on the shoulder. Hard. WTF? I feel removed from myself as I look through the uselessness of my day. I am ready for a change. I can envision it for days but I cannot for the life of me see the road that gets me there. Then to ensure my complete hopelessness I assume that my plan is just that. Mine. And in the greater scope of things it is not relevant because it does not necessarily belong to anyone near to me. I mean if they are not on board, then there is no ship to sail.
So I watch more mindless TV. I hate this part of my life. I know it has been a busy, wonderful summer. But why does a vacation have to be a vacation. Why can’t life feel so free and open and endless? Everyday. Surely it can, it must for someone. It’s hard to complain when my life overflows with so many blessings but I am beginning to see that contentment doesn’t sell either. It is the angst that makes the soap opera so interesting. All I know is that when you give your everything to your children and they punch you. It hurts. Obviously I have given them too much of myself. Even if they punch you in good humor, today it hurts. And in my utter shock and disgust I love them more. But as I love I wonder did I fail them today. Did I fail myself?
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