I have exhausted myself. I guess I began mourning the perfect summer too soon since we have had two of the nicest days of the year yet! A friend reminded me “it is not over til its over”. I suppose my children’s unpredictable behavior mirrored my depressed grievance. Their expression of overstimulation was almost a result of too much happiness. This summer has truthfully come and gone with little hardship and with much humor. Even the bad times were the best. In hindsight I am not sure we were ourselves, or maybe we got back to being ourselves.
My life like the water down the road is steady, calm and not entirely predictable but refreshingly reliable. I love the Fall anyway. Even the disruption of my son’s precious friendships via class redistribution is not pushing me to anxiety. He doesn’t seem to even notice. It’s not to say that I will not wake tomorrow in full Ally Mcbeal mode but I am gaining a consciousness for my pattern of behavior. I am actually starting to even accept it. I spent a good part of my early life trying to be everything I thought you wanted me to be. Then I realized you honestly didn’t care or matter. I don’t want to apologize for myself anymore. I am kinda cozy in this skin and I will do better or worse or whatever in due time as I see fit and I hope I will not live with regret. I guess that is what coming up on forty looks like.
I just caught a thought flying through me that said “you are so lucky to know all the people you know” and I agree. I have moved a lot but I have met so many wonderful people that made such great contributions to my life even in the smallest of ways. I cannot imagine touching the life of anyone in the ways that you have touched mine. I am so fortunate. I am numb with contentment. But I still hate fake rainbows and cartoon unicorns.
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